I notice, on a daily basis, that there are lots of young girls out there who seem to be having way too much fun, dressing skimpy, letting their boyfriends text marriage proposals and just basically not displaying enough misery, negativity and cynicism as is fitting. But instead of harassing them out my car window at intersections like they so richly deserve, I’ve decided to write an (ever so slightly) condescending blog entry full of old-lady advice so they will read it and stop living so joyfully and get gloomy before it is too late.

{Or some other overly-long and completely unnecessary introductory paragraph that basically says the same thing as the title but with a lot more wordiful, wordalicious words.}

1.  You are hot. 

This is the main reason everybody writes all those finger-wagging lists for you. You’re young. Full of promise. You probably feel spectacular on a hangover, three hours of sleep and a caffeine sandwich. I could tell you how gorgeous you are – under, over or smack dab in the middle weight – but you won’t listen. I’m telling you anyway: ignore those blogs that tell you not to worry about your body or talk about it. Talk away. And then you too can be like the rest of us and write a wry, sentimental blog when you’re 45 about how much you miss your hot 20 year old body .

2. Religion is like a delicious burrito.

Whereas God is the yummy, miraculous, fresh filling of beef or chicken with cheese and pico de gallo or what have you and church/religious people are like the chewy, processed, lard-filled tortilla wrapped around the whole thing. You want the good stuff? You will – in some form or fashion – have to go through the tortilla. Trust me I’ve tried to unwrap this thing, make it a taco salad, and it just doesn’t work. Eat the burrito.

3. You already know a handful of psychopaths, borderlines and narcissists.

This sounds scary but skip down to number 5 and you’ll see where this is going. These folks are plentiful, undoubtedly in your life even as I blog and they love “nice.” Learn their characteristics and run from them. With your strong, taut, spectacular legs.

4.  Lean In, Out or Sideways.

I don’t care what you do. I mean I want women to help run the world as much as the next person, but really, I think we all know, sometimes a seat at the table really just means you have to pretend to pay attention through an incredibly boring meeting.

5. You just might have to be your own therapist.

Once I went to a counselor who asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted to be happy. That was the wrong answer apparently, because he informed me being happy shouldn’t be my goal. I quit him, by the way. Point is, I wasn’t Veruca Salt, for Pete’s sake, saying I wanted to be happy even if it took making all the puppies in the world cry. I just meant I wanted to learn how to take the good and the bad of life and know what I could reasonably ask for and learn happiness in the midst of all of it. I still think it’s a good goal. I stand by it. So say you want to be happy. And go ahead and lay-diagnose yourself a psychopath or two while you’re at it.